Alburquerque: Ranma's way
by Ryu
Summary: A songfic based on Weird Al's song. Ranma get fed up with his life, and decides to move to a faraway land.


Disclaimer: Ranma ½ is the property of Rumiko Takahashi. The original song "Albuquerque" is the property of Weird Al Yankovic.

This is just a humor songfic, so please don't take it seriously. I just sat down one day and thought "Hey, Ranma would fit best in this kind of situation." So I decided to make a songfic about it. Anyway, I hope you like it.

Albuquerque: Ranma's way

Start song

Way back when I was just a growing teenage boy living in a home Dojo of the Tendos that was by the high school half a block down the street from The Cat Café.  
You know the place.  
Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy.  
  
Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning,  
Akane would make me a big plate of Sashimi for breakfast.  
  
Awww - Big plate of Sashimi!  
Every single morning'!  
It was making me nauseous.  
  
I said to Akane.  
I said "Akane, what's with all the Sashimi?"  
And my dear, sweet tomboy  
She just looked at me like a Duck looks at an oncoming car  
And she leaned right down next to me  
And she said "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!"  
And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth  
And force fed me nothing but Sashimi until I couldn't eat any more of that crap!  
  
That's when I swore that someday  
Someday I would get outta that Dojo and travel to a magical, far away place  
Where the sun is always shining and there's no one hurting me  
And the meals are oh so yummy  
Where the teachers and the students play and they get along all day long  
And anyone on the street will gladly serve you food for a nickel  
  
Wacka wacka doodoo yeah  
  
Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true  
Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest  
To see who could correctly guess the number of new panties in old Happosai's stash  
I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize  
That's right, a first class one-way ticket to  
  
Albuquerque  
A new land to see  
  
Oh yeah  
You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before  
And I gotta tell ya, it was really great  
Except that I had to sit between Shampoo and Cologne the ghoul who bribed me with a cure for my feminine curse  
And their futile tries to sway me kept making' me angrier  
The flight attendant was really Kodachi and she fought with Shampoo  
And then a white Duck flew right past me and through the window  
And, oh yeah, Moose got stuck in the engine and died  
And the plane started falling and crashed into a hillside  
And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died  
Except for me  
You know why?  
  
'Cause I had my seatbelt buckled  
And I was the only one who wasn't fighting  
Had my seatbelt buckled  
And I was the only one who wasn't fighting  
Had my seatbelt buckled  
And I was the only one who wasn't fighting  
  
Ah ha ha ha  
Ah ha ha  
Freee!  
  
So I crawled from the twisted, burning' wreckage  
I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days  
Dragging' along my big leather suitcase and my Duffel bag  
And my training equipment and my bag of hot water  
And the potion Shampoo had made to bribe me with in my hand  
But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn  
Where the towels are oh so fluffy  
And you can eat your food right out of the trash bins if you wanna  
It's OK, they're clean  
  
Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C  
And I turned on the shower on hot  
And I'm just about to drink that lovely feminine cure in the bottle  
That I loved so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door  
  
Well now, who could that be?  
I say "Who is it?"  
No answer  
"Who is it?"  
There's no answer  
"WHO IS IT?"  
They're not saying' anything  
  
So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected  
It's some big Panda with a sign saying that I should return to the Tendo Dojo right now  
Oh man, I hate it when I'm right  
So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my magic potion  
And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"  
"That potion's been just like a potion to me"  
And he's like "No"  
And I'm like "Gimme"  
And he's like "Make me"  
And I'm like "'Kay"  
So I punched his face and he kicked me in the stomach  
And I bit on his ear and he chewed on my pig-tails  
And I hit him with his own sign and he gave me a good half and a full Nelson  
Yes indeed, you better believe it  
And somehow in the middle of the brawl, the phone got knocked off the hook  
And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice  
And you know what it said?  
I'll tell you what it said  
  
It said  
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"  
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"  
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"  
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"  
  
In Albuquerque  
The land of dreams  
  
Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my potion  
But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest  
I would not sleep for an instant until the one-Panda man was brought to prison  
But first, I needed to get something to eat  
  
So I got in a car and I drove over to the deli shop  
And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter  
And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"  
I said "You got any hamburgers?"  
He said "No, we're outta hamburgers"  
I said "Well, you got any rice with ramen?"  
He said "No, we're outta rice with ramen"  
I said "You got any prime rib with that gooey steak sauce?"  
He said "No, we're outta prime rib with that gooey steak sauce"  
I said "You got any soda and fries?"  
He said "No, we're outta soda and fries"  
I said "You got any fruity pastries?"  
He said "No, we're outta fruity pastries"  
I said "You got any salads?"  
He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check"  
"No, we're outta salads"  
I said "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"  
He says "All I got right now is this box with an angry and starving black pig"  
I said "OK, I'll take that"  
  
So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and then P-Chan jumps out  
And he immediately latches on my face and start bitin' me all over  
(rabid gnawing sounds)  
Oh man, he was just going nuts  
He was tearing' me apart  
You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started going' through my head"  
I believe it went a little something like this . . .  
  
Doh  
Get 'im off me  
Get 'im off me  
Oh  
No, get 'im off, get 'im off  
Oh, oh Gods, oh Gods  
Oh, get 'im off me  
Oh, oh Gods  
Ah, (more screaming)  
  
I ran out into the street with this man-eating Piglet all over my face  
Waving' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'  
Like when Sasuke was on fire  
And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams  
Her name was Ukyo  
She was a restaurant enthusiast with a big spatula and clothing that resembled men's clothing  
I'll never forget the first thing she said to me.  
She said "Hey, you've got P-Chan on your face"  
  
That's when I knew it was true love  
We were inseparable after that  
Aw, we ate together, we bathed together  
We even shared the same Okonomiyaki together  
The world was our Dojo  
So we got married and we bought us a house  
And had two beautiful children – Okono and Miyaki  
Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah  
  
But then one fateful night, Ukyo said to me  
She said "Ranma-Honey? Do you wanna eat Okonomiyaki for life?"  
I said "Woah, hold on now, Ucchan"  
"I'm just not ready for that kinda commitment"  
So we broke up and I never saw her again  
But that's just the way things go  
  
In Albuquerque  
Land of weirdness  
  
Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me  
Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream  
That's right, I got me a full-time job at a Dojo  
I even made black belt martial artist after I put that bonfire out with my fists  
Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that  
I was getting' a lot of attitude  
  
OK, like one time, when Kuno was visiting us  
Trying to remove my own existence with his wooden sword  
When I see small Sasuke trying to hit me with his own Bokken next to Kuno by himself  
So he, he said to him, he said "Master, want me to help you with this?"  
And Kuno, he just rolls his eyes and goes  
"No, I want you to sever my arms and legs with your Bokken"  
  
So he did  
  
And then he gets all indignant on him  
He's like "Hey dolt, I was just being sarcastic"  
Well, that's just great  
How was he supposed to know that?  
He's not a good thinker for cryin' out loud  
Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Cripple-Boy  
So what's he complaining about?  
  
Say, that reminds me of a certain time in my female form  
Happosai comes and glomps on my chest and says he hasn't had a bite in three days  
Well, I knew what he meant  
But just to be vengeful, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein  
And he's yelling' and screaming' and bleeding all over  
And I'm like "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?"  
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming  
(screaming sounds)  
You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation  
Man, some perverts just had it coming, you know?  
  
Anyway, um, um, where was I?  
Kind of lost my train of thought  
  
Uh, well, uh, OK  
Anyway I, I know it's kind of been a roundabout way of saying it  
But I guess the whole point I'm trying' to make here is  
  
I hate Sashimi  
  
That's all I'm really trying' to say  
And, by the way, if one day you happen to get up  
And find yourself in an inescapable life  
Full of evil and self-doubt  
And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful fiancées slow tortures  
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that  
Somewhere out there in this crazy senseless universe of ours  
There's still a little place called  
  
Albuquerque  
Land of my dreams  
no more problems, my paradise  
here all the time, it set me free  
Albuquerque, wonderful place  
living right in, Albuquerque  
  
I said "A" (A)  
"L" (L)  
"B" (B)  
"U" (U)  
"querque" (querque)  
  
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque  
I'm so happy, it set me free, from my torment, of fiancées  
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque  
Don't you knock it, till' you've tried it, it's the best place, just wait and see  
  
Albuquerque

End song

Well, that's it. I hope you liked it. Please review, or send comments to 

Once again, this was all done in humor, and I hope I didn't get anyone angry.


End file.
